QUESTIONS FOR MY MOTHER

It was not always like this

There was a time
We were friends

And I do not know
How it all begun
This war

But you say
It is me
I changed

I changed?

How did I change?
How did I become a person
You could not understand

How is it that now
I am the one
Who don’t love you
Any more

How come now
I am the one who
Started it

You say my diaries hurt you
That I turned
The things I wrote
Hurt you

If my diaries hurt you
Is it not because
You had hurt me first?

Who started it?

And forget what I wrote
Let’s speak of my diary
My private diary
The one no one was supposed
To read

Why did you read it
In the first place

Have I no right to privacy
A right to space
A corner I can sit
And silently cry
With no one staring

What made you overstep
What?

Let’s pretend you were trying
To understand me

I let it go
The first time

Then it happened twice
Thrice
So much so,
I put my journals out in the open

Are you still trying to understand me?

Why, I wonder
Did you never care to ask
“What went wrong?”

So let’s assume I started it
That I became difficult
That I became rebellious

Why did you never ask
Why did you decide
It was okay
To read my diaries
To intrude upon my space
And my peace

To shout and rant me down
Till I couldn’t stand
The sight of you
In the house?

Assuming I started it
How come
For the countless times
I told you the many ways
You hurt me
You never once changed

How come when
You wanted us to talk
In real sense
I was to listen
And only you
Had a right to speech?

And I understand
You have a lot
To get off your chest
I have no trouble listening
And feeling your frustration

Even when you let it out
On me
Sometimes

But how come
You never once asked
About my sadness

Even when you read my diaries
And knew all I felt

How come you never asked?

Have I no sadness
No hurts I need to speak of
Have I no say
Against the pain
You inflict on me

Have I no feelings
Of pain, fear, hurt
Of anger
Against the world

Against you?

How come we never once
Assume that it is you
Who started it
Is it because I was a teen
And definitely
The one on the wrong?

Was it my being way
For a whole year
And when I came back
I became another
Mouth to feed
Another child to educate
To spend energy and money on

Did I become baggage?

Or did I ever disrespect you
And could you not
Set me straight
Like a child gone wrong
Then move on like family

Assuming I started it
What did I do wrong
To make you hate
My very presence
To disrespect
My privacy
My space
And feelings

When did our home
Become your house?

I burnt my two diaries
So my memories are hazy
And I really do not remember
How it all begun

All I know is that
wars start with one person
It’s one of us
And I admit
I have done a great many wrongs
That could be
Justifications

But this war started
Way before

What really happened?
Assuming you started it-
Can we at least assume that

Can you tell me ma
What made you
Love me no more?

Can we for once assume
You started it
Or shall I forever
Shoulder the blame

Because moms are always right?

 

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