Reading this post by Depression Time, I asked myself- would things be any different if I reached out to people more-if I went when invited out, if I hung out with friends more? This semester I tried just that. And it did work! A little. Being with people means talking and laughing and banter and not thinking much about the things that worry me. I have managed to be less solitary than I was previously. But I am afraid I have come to love my own company too much. Even when with people, I still look forward to the time I will be alone, in my rooms or lounging somewhere.
Do depressed people change and become pure extroverts when they heal? I don’t think that can happen to me. Being alone does not mean I sit around and throw a pity party for myself or depress myself even more with my blues- I got through that phase years ago :-). Nowadays I just sit and worry away and think up ways to solve the issues I have inside. I like finding solutions. It’s not that I think that people don’t care about me- or that I also don’t care about them- it’s just, I kind of gave up on expecting people to care. I know there are people who care but telling them my worries is just not my thing.
I find that it does not work they way I think it would cuz most people just read things that aren’t there.
When I say I am suffering burnout and am thinking of taking a break and doing other stuff, some people think I am distracted and that I will quit campus and OMG! That’s the end of me! When I say I want to do something different, get a job or something, some people think I am losing my way and I will be lost forever!
People overreact. Or maybe its me who under reacts- if there is something of the sort. There are things that are so normal for me to ask- perhaps cuz I am used to being alone and I speak everything to myself, so when I say stuff that’s normal to me, people overreact.
It’s not that I don’t try to reach out to people but when people keep answering questions you did not ask, it gets me weary having to listen to them cuz they mean well and still have to solve my own problems later on. So I take the shortcut. Be alone, think alone, weigh options, get a solution.
I like my own company. The way I like being with people sometimes, I like being with myself- perhaps even more so. I am a good friend but I cannot engineer myself to become that person who is always there to hang out or that reaches out to people. It’s just not me. Trust issues, people overreacting, depression, addiction to solitude- I don’t know. I just can’t help being an alone person. An its not that I cant change. I don’t want to change that.
I fear I have accepted this depressed side of me and its now part and parcel of my being. Depression for me is not an end of something- of caring or of living life to the fullest. Depression has become a coping strategy-and bad as it sounds even to myself, it has become a way of living.