DEPRESSION AS A COPING STRATEGY

Reading this post by Depression Time, I asked myself- would things be any different if I reached out to people more-if I went when invited out, if I hung out with friends more? This semester I tried just that. And it did work! A little. Being with people means talking and laughing and banter and not thinking much about the things that worry me. I have managed to be less solitary than I was previously. But I am afraid I have come to love my own company too much. Even when with people, I still look forward to the time I will be alone, in my rooms or lounging somewhere.

Do depressed people change and become pure extroverts when they heal? I don’t think that can happen to me. Being alone does not mean I sit around and throw a pity party for myself or depress myself even more with my blues- I got through that phase years ago :-). Nowadays I just sit and worry away and think up ways to solve the issues I have inside. I like finding solutions. It’s not that I think that people don’t care about me- or that I also don’t care about them- it’s just, I kind of gave up on expecting people to care. I know there are people who care but telling them my worries is just not my thing.

I find that it does not work they way I think it would cuz most people just read things that aren’t there.

When I say I am suffering burnout and am thinking of taking a break and doing other stuff, some people think I am distracted and that I will quit campus and OMG! That’s the end of me! When I say I want to do something different, get a job or something, some people think I am losing my way and I will be lost forever!

People overreact. Or maybe its me who under reacts- if there is something of the sort. There are things that are so normal for me to ask- perhaps cuz I am used to being alone and I speak everything to myself, so when I say stuff that’s normal to me, people overreact.

It’s not that I don’t try to reach out to people but when people keep answering questions you did not ask, it gets me weary having to listen to them cuz they mean well and still have to solve my own problems later on. So I take the shortcut. Be alone, think alone, weigh options, get a solution.

I like my own company. The way I like being with people sometimes, I like being with myself- perhaps even more so. I am a good friend but I cannot engineer myself to become that person who is always there to hang out or that reaches out to people. It’s just not me. Trust issues, people overreacting, depression, addiction to solitude- I don’t know. I just can’t help being an alone person. An its not that I cant change. I don’t want to change that.

I fear I have accepted this depressed side of me and its now part and parcel of my being. Depression for me is not an end of something- of caring or of living life to the fullest. Depression has become a coping strategy-and bad as it sounds even to myself, it has become a way of living.

y5y

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Yup all good. Hehe
    Okay so I was saying…..I am suffering from postnatal depression on and off. Think it is getting better. For me people is what keeps me alive. I light up in the company of friends and nice strangers! I only want me time when I just need to rest or spend quality time with my close family. I think when we are alone….the devil does things to really meddle with our inner demons. So much easier to allow negativity to come in when you’re alone and vulnerable. It can be a vicious cycle. But you sound like you really like being on your own. Nothing wrong with that. Loving yourself is just as important as sharing yourself with others. You never know whose life you might change. Perhaps it is all about balance. If the strategy works and you are at your optimum best then hey that’s great. Why not. But we wary of the devils work at hand is all I’m saying. Humans were not made to be alone. We are all connected you see. As much as modern society revels in this loneranger attitude……the universal fact is different.:-) God bless Helen..xx

    1. hellenmasido says:

      you got to post it at last eh? 🙂 true humans are not made to be alone and i still love being with pals- they keep me going too when i run out of passion. at the beginning of this year, i sought to hang out more with them rather than with myself and it did wonders. there are activities i would never have gotten out of the house to do if i didn’t feel indebted to be there for my friends. like you say, its all about balance i guess.

  2. Testing if comment posts…

    1. hellenmasido says:

      i see it now! hehe!

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