IN MY HEAD

If I fuck
My best friend’s guy
In my head
Am I still a betrayer?

Or if I call you bitch
And many other names
In my head
Am I wrong?

Or if I kill you
In so many ways –
In my head
Does that make me
A murderer?

Is unforgiveness a sin?
Is vengeance?

If a man beat my child to death
And I had a gun
Am I wrong
To blow his brains out?-
Not in my head

If the man
Who stabbed my sister to death
A man
I very well know
Sits in jail
As his father
Rich and mighty
Hires the best lawyers
To get him out of jail
By sophist smooth talking

Am I wrong
To rejoice –
In my head
When I hear
A mob of people
Burnt him to death

When justice is blind
Take an eye
For an eye
Then again, I am told
To never take revenge

Here is what I choose:

If a man would violate me
A man I very well know
And see every now and again
And no one will help me
Find justice

If he goes to jail
And is let out the next morning
Am I to let him?
Roam free and pilfer
From another woman?

Is it not just
That I should stop him
By all means
From any more evil doing?

Am I to sit
With the scars he marked me with
And hate him so much
As to hate myself
Till I want to die
Though I ‘m the one
Who’s wronged?

All’s fair in love and in war
And in the war of the sexes
I protect what’s mine

I will not be made
To feel guilty
And dirty
And weak
When I can’t just “get over it!”

If there are scars
A man marks me with
Scars and nightmares
I am forced to live with;

Or if a man wrongs me-
My femininity, my dignity
My whole being

That man had better be a stranger

But if its family
Or friends
The strangers we know and trust;
-If I shall be forced to live
With rape injustice
From a man
I call father or uncle
Brother, lover or pal,
I can very well live with murder-

Not in my head

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