PHASES OF DOUBT

#1

I don’t know what I’m running on
I think I O.D’d on optimism
Or patience
I really have no idea
How I am still laughing
Maybe cuz it’s January
It’s a new year
And I’m looking forward
To many things

Maybe it’s cuz

 
Even when I want to cry
Two or three drops
Are all I manage

I am living one day
At a time
Because at this rate
I cannot bear to think
About next week

And it’s done me some good
Living a day at a time
And I am happy
Really!

Is this what normal
Feels like?

flower03

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#2

I dont know
what I am running on
It not happiness-
Though I have bouts of that

Neither is it hope

Maybe it’s the fact that
I don’t know
Any other way

I don’t have the energy
To cry
Then work up a good mood

And so I laugh
It’s easier
To stay on this level

moon-dancer-zapp

——————————————————————————————————————————————–

 #3

There is only so far
I can go
Without breaking
Or going back
To self destructive habits

I see the things I have
And try to ignore
That some things I need
Are kept from me

I can keep my eyes shut
For only so longdcse

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Have I healed?
Am I the process at least?
I don’t know

I just know for now
I have a fire in me
To create things

To create Beauty
That did not exist

Am I positive?
Not quite
Though I no longer worry too much

I cross bridges when I come to them
I see options now
I sample them
Then take one
I can live with

Did I change?
Or did circumstance?

Both I guess
Still I can’t help but think
This is one of those
Happy phases
That come
And will go

And I will be back
To my old blue self

I don’t know
Probably

I might drop back
Into my black hole
But till then
I am enjoying now

The blues may come back
Like they always do
But I might as well enjoy the sun
Before things get fucked up
Right?

red_autumn_leaves-normal

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