I don’t know how it begun- this state of being numb. I really have no idea what triggered it. And it has happened before- this numbness-but it has always been tinged with sadness and painful feeling inside. This time, it’s just numb and most of what I feel is mere knee-jerk reactions to things. I may laugh my head off one moment and go back to being drab the next. I may be angry and cry one moment and the next I would just sit and stare at a wall. One instance of raw feeling I felt was about the stripping and rape of a woman in a bus some weeks ago. That I felt.
And it got so bad I had to make myself forget I watched the clip just so I could concentrate on my exams and the like.
And do you know how I did it?
On my second exam, sitting in my chair staring at the exam questions, I could see nothing on the paper but mere flashes of this drunken helpless woman being violated by a bunch of men because they could. And as the anger begun once again, I told myself to stop remembering and do the fucking exam because I could not afford a retake. And I told myself that that woman’s case is gone and I can do nothing about it.
That stuck; the fact that I could do nothing about it.
And while that worked at that time and on since I couldn’t deal with my anger, it worries me now that I have been repeating that in my mind for quite some time. “I can do nothing about it.”
That rather than deal with a rollercoaster of feelings, I have become used to admitting defeat readily so that I skip the losing and move on to picking the pieces. I once jokingly told a friend that I am scared of emotions and feelings but now I realize how true it is.
Feelings fuck me up.
And not bad feelings; not feelings of pain or sadness or anger. I fear good feelings. Because even though I tell myself that life is a bitch either way and good and bad feelings are all part of it, I am scared of ecstasy because it feels like the happier I get, the worse my sadness will later be.
I am scared of the high because of the impending fall.
And I know this is a crappy way to live because the more I stay like this, the more I feel nothing, the more I enjoy nothing and the more I start to think of a permanent state of feelinglessness. (P.S.That is a word!) I am not suicidal- I keep telling myself this over and over again; but if I am to be honest, I would say, I am not suicidal YET.
This is a pattern that has happened before and I don’t want it to get to those extremes.
So here I am searching for feeling. Any feeling actually- good or bad- hopefully more positive ones. I just need things that can get me out of this comatose state and back to my normal self- although I am not sure what that is- YET. Only time will tell.