I don’t know how it begun- this state of being numb. I really have no idea what triggered it. And it has happened before- this numbness-but it has always been tinged with sadness and painful feeling inside. This time, it’s just numb and most of what I feel is mere knee-jerk reactions to things. I may laugh my head off one moment and go back to being drab the next. I may be angry and cry one moment and the next I would just sit and stare at a wall. One instance of raw feeling I felt was about the stripping and rape of a woman in a bus some weeks ago. That I felt.

And it got so bad I had to make myself forget I watched the clip just so I could concentrate on my exams and the like.

And do you know how I did it?

On my second exam, sitting in my chair staring at the exam questions, I could see nothing on the paper but mere flashes of this drunken helpless woman being violated by a bunch of men because they could. And as the anger begun once again, I told myself to stop remembering and do the fucking exam because I could not afford a retake. And I told myself that that woman’s case is gone and I can do nothing about it.


That stuck; the fact that I could do nothing about it.

And while that worked at that time and on since I couldn’t deal with my anger, it worries me now that I have been repeating that in my mind for quite some time. “I can do nothing about it.”

That rather than deal with a rollercoaster of feelings, I have become used to admitting defeat readily so that I skip the losing and move on to picking the pieces. I once jokingly told a friend that I am scared of emotions and feelings but now I realize how true it is.

Feelings fuck me up.

And not bad feelings; not feelings of pain or sadness or anger. I fear good feelings. Because even though I tell myself that life is a bitch either way and good and bad feelings are all part of it, I am scared of ecstasy because it feels like the happier I get, the worse my sadness will later be.

I am scared of the high because of the impending fall.

And I know this is a crappy way to live because the more I stay like this, the more I feel nothing, the more I enjoy nothing and the more I start to think of a permanent state of feelinglessness. (P.S.That is a word!) I am not suicidal- I keep telling myself this over and over again; but if I am to be honest, I would say, I am not suicidal YET.

This is a pattern that has happened before and I don’t want it to get to those extremes.

So here I am searching for feeling. Any feeling actually- good or bad- hopefully more positive ones. I just need things that can get me out of this comatose state and back to my normal self- although I am not sure what that is- YET. Only time will tell.


5 thoughts on “IN SEARCH OF FEELING

  1. Hi Hellen, I’ve been sitting here for the last 20 minutes trying to think of something to write that might make some kind of sense after having read your post. Of all the things that anyone could say as a response to what you wrote, I wonder which of them you would want to hear. I know that you are not one for cliche and neither am I, so there’s no chance of going down that road. Usually I would try and be funny and make you laugh, but not this time. I could say “well you know, Buddhists say that it’s not about being happy it’s about being content and therefore you don’t get the highs and lows”, but that’s crap… It’s true, but it’s crap for this reality, no-one is that balanced.

    It’s obvious what to say in some sense, blindingly obvious… and for me it is easy because I don’t have to say anything, because you have said it… Read your post back to yourself, it is fucking amazing, it will probably hurt to read it back, read it out loud. I believe you when you say that you are scared of emotions and feelings, yet you have expressed your feelings and emotions so eloquently in your post. You have in a sense, wrote to yourself and I can’t add anything to it that would make it anymore relevant to you.

    I will however say this, a while ago I found and read all of the posts on your blog about suicide and at the time I was torn between whether I should leave a comment or not, all too many times in life people will say “I know how you feel” or “I understand”, when in actual fact they haven’t got the slightest idea about how you feel, they are nervous words to fill an awkward silence in the hope that the silence will disappear. I didn’t want to appear like those well meaning, yet ill informed people and so I said nothing. The truth is though, and I hate myself for saying this because I will now sound cliche and everything I don’t want to sound, but I do understand. I tried suicide many times when I was younger, a couple of those times I was extremely lucky. I was sectioned, in hospital for over a year, in mental health services for many many years and in all honesty; I still think about it, most days. It is my crutch, it is my reason for living, it is my escape hatch if things get really really bad; but it took me over 25 years to realise it and nobody knows except me and now you. I suppose what I’m saying is, if you ever want to talk to some crazy guy living in Scotland who most of the time pretends to be eccentric and happy go lucky but who really knows a bit more than he lets on about; then I’m your man.

    But for the moment believe me when I say that by writing this post, you yourself have made the right steps for yourself… You have written a few times about the fact that you don’t write enough and that you can’t write and then out of the blue 2 months since your last post on your blog you have written something so amazing and real. Read it and realise that you have the tools at your disposal to make whatever you wish to make.

    Take care,

    1. I have spent the whole day re-reading your comment and thinking of a worthy comeback or sorts; and it has all boiled down to “Thank you”. When I posted this at 1am, I felt all ballsy and shit but then morning came and I begun to think maybe I shouldn’t have posted this.

      But then to have someone who has been through the same actually reach out like you have is so assuring, so thank you so much Mark.

      And that term “I understand” is anything but cliche coming from someone who has been suicidal. The same can’t be said of people who have never contemplated suicide yet alone had a suicidal friend. I don’t think anyone who has never had a brush with suicide can rightfully claim to understand it or the suicidal person.

      I really hope to keep writing- I already feel much much better after the above post! Therapy I tell you 🙂

      P.S- Your comment made me cry- and not in a bad way. Take care too and Stay Bohemian- who knows what beautiful surprises lie in your unplanned detours eh? 😉

      1. Hi Hellen, glad to know that you are feeling better.
        When I wrote this comment I had been awake for a few days and just wrote what I felt. After posting it I started thinking “Oh no Mark what have you done!!”, like I do so many times after I write one of my long comments. It’s not that I ever regret what I’ve written, it’s more to do with the fact of how it will be taken. Now after reading your comment I am so glad that I wrote it, perhaps I’m not such a crazy writer of overly long sentimental comments after all.
        Thanks for the therapy, it also made me cry.

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