Sometimes I deliberately sabotage myself when I know deep down that I do not want something. There’s a time I wasn’t exactly suicidal but I wasn’t high on life either; and each bus I would go into, travelling over long distances, I would not put on my seat belt. I would consciously remember that it is advisable to put it on but I would choose against that recommendation. Once in a matatu heading home, we almost had an accident and remember not being scared at all. Things happen in slow motion during such moments and yet at no time did fear cross my mind; not even that last prayer to a god I do not believe in. The only thought that occurred was “So this is it?”
But nothing happened and in a weird way, while others in the matatu spoke Jesus name with a reverential sigh and thanked god for the save, I was somewhat disappointed. And then immediately felt guilty for wishing my fate on others who did not have death wishes.