Saying “Hi”

I am on episode 4 of 13 Reasons Why. I cannot ingest more than two episodes in one sitting for obvious reasons. And even during the two episodes I watch , I pause sometimes. To think, about the male gaze for example or to imagine how it feels to be objectified as a woman- something […]

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Crash and Burn

you are a child watching a birdie flapping it’s wings in the throes of death and it is your hope I cannot stand! When it all boils down I will fold; i will always choose death over life Don’t you know? I never sought to heal Only to crash and burn

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Remember This

you must never cocoon me when i want to freefall nor cuff my wrists in place when i need both hands to write, to create, to strangle myself remember when the world claims that love holds fast and never let’s go remember this i am yours to love i am no one’s to keep  

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Death Wish

Sometimes I deliberately sabotage myself when I know deep down that I  do not want something. There’s a time I wasn’t exactly suicidal but I wasn’t high on life either; and each bus I would go into, travelling over long distances, I would not put on my seat belt. I would consciously remember that it is advisable to put it on but I […]

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9 Years Sober

I haven’t thought seriously of suicide for about 9 years. I did about a month ago; all the way to a sure proof way to get it over with. The tipping point was the death of a child I knew only by association. And I am careful to just be there for people without being […]

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To Live For Others

Prompt: 1984 You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.   **** White. Cushy white all around me makes me damn angry. The bed is cushy, the ground is cushy, the freaking walls are cushy; the damn jacket I’m in is fucking cushy! It’s like being a sharp spiky […]

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BETTER OFF DEAD

She called me up, yesterday; sweet and jovial as usual- then somewhat hesitant at the end- when she asked whether I was free to meet up for coffee. That she has a nagging issue she’d like to talk about.

And thinking of her well being, and wiling as ever, I said of course I was free.
So we meet for coffee. And she begins, “It’s about your nude photos online…I am concerned,” she says; and touching my hand affectionately the way one does when denying a child a cookie, she adds, “Perhaps you should tone it down…”

And I smile kindly and gently touch her lips with the tip of my finger, asking for a minute to say something myself.
And in that minute I asked her, “Do you know of my persistent depression and suicidal thoughts I have had for years?”
She nodded, sympathetically I think.
“…but you were never concerned enough to speak of that over coffee, were you?” I asked her.

We have not spoken since. I doubt we ever will.
Because you don’t need people in your life, who think you’re better off dead, than alive and naked and liberated.

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Why Do We Still Live?

It’s been long since I thought of suicide, but after writing the above poem about a week ago (Viners? Anyone?) I realized that while years ago I promised myself to see all there is to life instead of just quitting it, suicide, has all along been a kill switch of sorts for me.

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