I am on episode 4 of 13 Reasons Why. I cannot ingest more than two episodes in one sitting for obvious reasons. And even during the two episodes I watch , I pause sometimes. To think, about the male gaze for example or to imagine how it feels to be objectified as a woman- something […]
Read more "Saying “Hi”"
you are a child watching a birdie flapping it’s wings in the throes of death and it is your hope I cannot stand! When it all boils down I will fold; i will always choose death over life Don’t you know? I never sought to heal Only to crash and burn
Read more "Crash and Burn"
you must never cocoon me when i want to freefall nor cuff my wrists in place when i need both hands to write, to create, to strangle myself remember when the world claims that love holds fast and never let’s go remember this i am yours to love i am no one’s to keep
Read more "Remember This"
i need you to let me walk to the edge of a cliff knowing without a doubt that i will jump off and i need you to let me walk on without trying to stop me can you love me like this?
Read more "An Other Way to Love"
Sometimes I deliberately sabotage myself when I know deep down that I do not want something. There’s a time I wasn’t exactly suicidal but I wasn’t high on life either; and each bus I would go into, travelling over long distances, I would not put on my seat belt. I would consciously remember that it is advisable to put it on but I […]
Read more "Death Wish"
I haven’t thought seriously of suicide for about 9 years. I did about a month ago; all the way to a sure proof way to get it over with. The tipping point was the death of a child I knew only by association. And I am careful to just be there for people without being […]
Read more "9 Years Sober"
Last year in December, I almost lost my mother to a home robbery with violence. The neighbors said they found her in a pool of her own blood and were shocked to find her still breathing. I never wanted to hear what exactly happened and each time my mum willingly recounted what had happened to […]
Read more "To Eat My Cake and Have Yet Another Slice"
Prompt: 1984 You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room. **** White. Cushy white all around me makes me damn angry. The bed is cushy, the ground is cushy, the freaking walls are cushy; the damn jacket I’m in is fucking cushy! It’s like being a sharp spiky […]
Read more "To Live For Others"
She called me up, yesterday; sweet and jovial as usual- then somewhat hesitant at the end- when she asked whether I was free to meet up for coffee. That she has a nagging issue she’d like to talk about.
And thinking of her well being, and wiling as ever, I said of course I was free.
So we meet for coffee. And she begins, “It’s about your nude photos online…I am concerned,” she says; and touching my hand affectionately the way one does when denying a child a cookie, she adds, “Perhaps you should tone it down…”
And I smile kindly and gently touch her lips with the tip of my finger, asking for a minute to say something myself.
And in that minute I asked her, “Do you know of my persistent depression and suicidal thoughts I have had for years?”
She nodded, sympathetically I think.
“…but you were never concerned enough to speak of that over coffee, were you?” I asked her.
We have not spoken since. I doubt we ever will.
Read more "BETTER OFF DEAD"
Because you don’t need people in your life, who think you’re better off dead, than alive and naked and liberated.
It’s been long since I thought of suicide, but after writing the above poem about a week ago (Viners? Anyone?) I realized that while years ago I promised myself to see all there is to life instead of just quitting it, suicide, has all along been a kill switch of sorts for me.
Read more "Why Do We Still Live?"