A Handful of Maybes

I don’t know if I will
Find pieces of me
I lost in the madness

I don’t know whether I will
Sit on the sewing machine
And make beautiful things
And work fabric like I used to
Without thinking
I am picking at the wound

But I refuse

I refuse to to down
Without a fight
I refuse to go down
Without a fight

Maybe I will find
New ways to paint
New patterns
Maybe the stitching
Will feel like therapy
Like dreaming again
The way I learnt to laugh again
In the middle of all my brain murk
Maybe I will have good cries
Maybe they will feel like
Taking a hot shower
After walking in the rain

Maybe I will go hiking again
Maybe I will go up Ngong Hills
On the new year
And watch the fireworks
From all over Nairobi
Maybe I will be on my own rooftop
Hearing the pops from afar
And that will be okay too

Maybe I will buy more plants
And make a small jungle
Of a room of my own
Surrounded by my books
And art of my own making

Maybe I will sit with friends again
And have tea and conversations
About memories and about futures

Maybe I will reach to new heights
And accomplish things
I feared to venture
After the madness

Maybe I will learn to move
Like I am walking around Kilifi
Slowly
Polepole
Maybe I will go to Zanzibar again
And buy myself that compass

I have found my true north
I hope I never forget that