Journal 11/11/23

After about 3 months of being in high spirits, three weeks ago, I started to dip. I wondered what that was until I figured this is one of the faces of depression. It’s not as intense as it used to be and this is something I am constantly surprised by and thankful about. I find myself saying “If this is depression, it’s not so bad. This I can handle”.

My motivation has been really low but I knowing it’s depression, I am not pushing myself or beating myself up. I even took a break from writing the scripts I had been so constantly working on and opted to watch movies instead. Been binge-watching Rick and Morty (apparently I hadn’t watched season 6 so I had all that to watch:-D)

One thing I am glad about is the fact that I am still journaling offline. And it makes me happy to be posting this today. I am glad too that I have been running and that my lover and I have been communicating more frequently even as friends. That is one for keeps.

Anyway, I have a ton of episodes to burn through. Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul are on my watch list as well as a documentary series called Life on Our Planet.

I have also been feeling lost these past few days and talking to Bobby, I was reminded that he too was in this same situation a while back and I told him that it’s okey to feel lost. And that as long as we’re still doing things we love, how lost can we be really? So I am taking my own advice even if it’s easier said than done.

I miss doing art. I miss painting and working with fabric. I miss coloring in the mornings while I listen to music and I miss reading books. The latter is easily corrected by going to the library and borrowing a new interesting book to get lost into. The rest aren’t so easy with my level of motivation. But like I told Bobby, I will let myself be lost and still try to do things I like. Little by little.

Next year I might have to move to Nairobi for a while and because I have had some time to sit with this knowledge, I am somewhat excited at the prospect of having a place of my own and what that might mean for my scheduling. Perhaps I will get back to a proper self care schedule. Only time will tell.

For now, I am listening to Everyday Life while writing this and I feel I have done one thing right for the day. If I do nothing else, I will have written this even as a mark of time. And that counts for something.